i am trying not to force things, 
to let them just unfold. 
but it’s tricky
because there is a sense
of rushing
that pulsates through my veins, 
and a restlessness that
has always hummed its way
through the centre of my heart. 
but i am trying not to force things, 
because it’s better for the breath
that catches in the back of my throat
when i push.
because it’s better for the skin
that twists around my bones
when i wrap myself in layers of rigidity
cultivated by way of letting the opinions of others
carve hollows into the depths of my belly, my chest. 
because these eyelids have grown heavy
and there’s an unyielding whisper in my ear that says, 
rest. rest. rest.

The idea for starting this blog had been sitting on the back burner for so long that, quite frankly, it was both bubbling over and starting to stink up the place. 

You see, this funny thing happens whenever we're truly meant to do something: we freak the eff out. Sometimes it's a calm, cool, and collected fear fest, but the fear is what stops us from moving forward none-the-less. Sometimes, the shit just hits the fan and you let go emotionally so deeply, so profoundly, that you can't help but look fear straight in the face and tell it where to go.

I have finally reached that point in this little segment of my journey... but let me tell you, I did not get here without ample questioning and pondering and asking myself how I could possibly create a space inclusive enough so as to avoid offending anyone (oh hi, Fear. Thanks for making a repeat appearance).

I worried that my own version of my own story might seem hollow or incomplete in this text-based virtual space. I worried that I might misrepresent myself - or someone else. Most of all, I worried that anyone reading any of this would judge me... Me. The Queen of non-judgment. The Mother of "do your thang". The... well, you get the point.

Practically every moment in my life up until this very point in time has taught me that - as an actor, content creator, yogi, woman, etc. - someone is always actively judging or misunderstanding you. No matter how much I practice non-judgement. No matter how hard I try to avoid it. Someone, somewhere will go on judging me and my experiences regardless of whether or not I share my stories and thoughts and experiences online. I will regularly say one thing and mean another - or say exactly what I mean to say and have things go horribly awry anyway. 

And so, here we are. Me. You (presumably someone's reading this). And my words. 

I've never been one to close my eyes and leap. Nope. With me, it's more of a clench-my-fists-and-wince-while-making-interesting-squeeling-sounds-to-gear-up-for-the-fact-that-I'm-about-to-go-barreling-head-first-with-all-the-gusto-one-could-possibly-muster-into-the-great-unknown... 

Maybe, just maybe, as I learn to navigate my way through this new and unfamiliar space, some of my words might lead you to going through your own version of a fist-clenching-barreling-squeel-fest. And if so, know that I will meet you on the other side of the chaos and the fear, smiling, breathing, and taking pride in my - our - ability to overcome & move forward together.

With deep gratitude.

xo